When listening to someone else’s problems, our first instinct is to find a solution to end their pain. If we can’t find a solution, we may share a “relatable” story about our own lives instead, proving that we understand what our loved one is going through.

Both options come with our best intentions – but they also flag our poor listening skills. Today, Kat Naish shares four steps to become an active, attentive listener.

We all strive to be a good friend, partner or parent. When a loved one needs support, we try our hardest to help in any way we can.

My husband lives with depression. Over certain parts of the year, he's reminded of the family members who are no longer with us, and his emotions can make it difficult for him to cope.

It's tough because, as much as I'd like to, I cannot physically help him.

"Holding space" is a new term that is used more and more by everyone from support workers to yogis. It does what it says on the tin: it creates a space to be there for someone without judgment or ego. As the listener, the idea is that you stop talking and concentrate fully on what your loved one is saying about their worries and fears.

4 ways to be a good listener

I used to think I was a good listener, but to my surprise, I recently discovered I have some way to go! Here are four things I am trying to adopt to be a better listener.

1. Let go of your ego and keep the focus on them

Picture this:

A friend is trying to vent, and you chime in with an anecdote about when you faced a similar problem. For example, "I got fired today, and it was so humiliating." "Being fired sucks. I got fired once, too, and I cried for days afterwards."

I have! In fact, I always thought it would help them see that they are not alone. Comparing life with theirs showed that I understood.

While sharing experiences can be helpful, it differs from being a good listener. Sometimes, "trying to relate" can appear dismissive, like "you've been there and done that." All the attention goes back to you and your story, and the other person doesn't feel heard.

And that is the opposite of what you are trying to achieve when you listen.

2. Let them speak their truth

Try active listening. Give someone your full attention and concentrate on what's being said. Let your loved ones feel heard. Instead of derailing the conversation with anecdotes or "solutions," ask your friend questions.

Ask them to share more details or how it makes them feel. By simply listening, you acknowledge their pain, fear and worry.

3. Make sure your listening space is a judgment-free zone

It's good to make observations, but don't judge their feelings. Please don't make them feel silly or ashamed for feeling how they feel.

Remember, those are not your feelings; everybody worries about different things. Again, avoid comparing their experience to how you would handle a situation. Just be there, be present and hear them out.

4. Accept that you may not be able to help

Trying to solve a problem for your loved one is very tempting. Sometimes, giving advice can be helpful - but only when we're asked for it.

Most of the time, our friend, spouse or family member needs space to talk it out. In turn, we must accept that we may be unable to help them. This is quite challenging because I want to give practical advice. However, I'm learning that unsolicited advice will often go unappreciated. Worse, it can actively cause resentment.

Of course, you can always ask your loved ones if or how you can help. If there is something you can do or they want your advice, they will let you know.

The Takeaway

When talking to close family about my MS, I want to have a good old moan. I don't need them to find a solution at that moment. Someone listening to my gripes is helpful enough. This is why I have started to apply the idea of “holding space” and better listening more and more in daily life.

When my husband feels depressed, being present and listening to when he does open up has helped. It has helped me understand what's going on in his head.

This has helped him be much more open about his feelings lately because he feels heard by me. We can truly support each other by listening to each other and creating a safe space to share.

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The individual(s) who have written and created the content in and whose images appear in this article have been paid by Teva Pharmaceuticals for their contributions. This content represents the opinions of the contributor and does not necessarily reflect those of Teva Pharmaceuticals. Similarly, Teva Pharmaceuticals does not review, control, influence or endorse any content related to the contributor's websites or social media networks. This content is intended for informational and educational purposes and should not be considered medical advice or recommendations. Consult a qualified medical professional for diagnosis and before beginning or changing any treatment regimen​. 

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Date of preparation: November 2023
D: COB-GB-NP-00293 (V1.0) / T: COB-GB-NP-00278 (V1.0) / M: COB-GB-NP-00263 (V1.0)